Monday, December 08, 2003

Passing the Oral Exam

I was over at
  • Helen's
  • early this morning, and she has a post up about ..hmm.. how to put this delicately...ummm.. givin' head, playin the skin flute, polishing his knob, doin' a Lewinsky, going down, goin' South, headin' home, pearl divin, and I just had to add my input on this one.

    I have never seen the problem some women..or men for that matter.. have with oral sex. It's a great way to please and excite your partner, it's exciting to know you can bring that much pleasure to your guy, and it lets you be in control and makes your man think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Plus, it's kinda fun sometimes. If I was a guy, I'd be much less willing to go down on a woman, though I know a lot of men say they love to go down on their partner, they love the smell and taste of a woman, and the fact that they can drive her crazy with their tongues. Really, though, what could be wrong with doing something that shows your man how much you care about them, brings him intense pleasure, and makes him think you're the best thing that has ever happened to him, because you want to please him?

    Helen's post talked mostly about "spit or swallow", and whether women are willing to do it. Everyone has their own preferences, and reasons for those preferences, but I think a lot of women who won't go down choose not to because of one of three reasons, or some combination of the three:

    1. They think it's dirty and gross to put a penis in your mouth because, well, it's a penis and guys make pee pee with it, and put it in places, and they'd rather not have their mouths on it. They don't consider that, since most guys shower sometime prior to and/or after having sex or goin' to the bathroom, this shouldn't be a problem. That's like saying you won't touch a guy's underarms because he sometimes sweats, once it's been washed off it's all fresh and sparkly, and just like any other part of the body. But, everyone is entitled to their hangups. I, personally, have a hangup about anuses. Love a nice butt, but the butt hole is a no-go with me, at least on the giving end, anyway. I'm not against a little adventurin' when it comes to guys and mine, I just won't go there myself. Not fair? No, it's not, but what can I tell ya? Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little play on the outside, but I aint' stickin my fingers up in there..nuh uh! Anyway.. back to the reasons..

    2. They think it's wrong or bad, because of religious reasons or they've been taught by someone, their parents probably, that it's bad and dirty, and they will be a bad, dirty person if they do that. They think that only tramps and chicks in porno movies do that kind of stuff, and a respectable girl wouldn't do it. Okay, well maybe it is bad and dirty... but in a good way! It doesn't make you a slut, it makes you a sex goddess who knows how to please her man.

    3. They don't like the taste of sperm, or just are grossed out by the thought of someone coming in their mouth, But, they don't realize that you don't have to do it til the point of orgasm, and you don't have to swallow. Even if you're not willing to put the whole penis in your mouth, if you are at least willing to run your tongue along and around the good parts, just long enough to get him off, though it's not exactly as good as a full blow job, most guys would accept that, I would think. There are no hard and fast "Rules of Head", you just have to be willing and eager to please your man, that's whats important. Although, having a "mouth like a Hoover", and being willing and able to deep throat it, will earn ya bonus points with lots of guys, it's not necessary to make the experience rewarding for all involved.

    Can I make my seminal fluids taste better?
    The point of taste was brought up, and it is suggested that what you eat plays a big part in the taste and smell of a guys sperm. Do guys worry if they taste good as much as women sometimes worry that a guy won't like the way she tastes or smells? The taste and smell of a man or woman's naughty bits is, for most people, a natural aphrodisiac. It's all about pheremones and stuff. But if you are worried about the taste of yours, macrobiotic nutritionists have actually done research on this question, and the answer is in: you are what you eat. Common sense dictates that if you taste good, your lover will want to eat you more often, so improving your body's taste and smell should be important to you.

    In general, nutritionists say that alkaline-based foods such as meats and fish produce a bitter, fish taste. Dairy products, which contain a high bacterial putrefaction level create the foulest tasting fluids by far. (Dissent: almost everyone I know says that there is one worse than a high-dairy content - asparagus. You can't miss the taste of asparagus-laced semen.) Acidic fruits, such as sweets, fruits, and alcohol give bodily fluids a pleasant, sugary flavor. Chemically processed liquors will cause an extremely acidic taste, however, so if you're going to drink alcohol, drink high-quality, naturally fermented beers (Rolling Rock or Kirin) or sake.

    Oral Sex Myth: There is No Such Thing as a Bad Blow Job.
    Some people are under the impression that there is no such thing as a bad blow job, any oral is good oral, and guys will be so thrilled you're willing to go there. That ain't so. It is possible to bore a man, or woman, during oral sex, it is possible to be too rough, too soft, too much teeth, any number of things that the guy doesn't like, which will equal a bad blow job. There is such a thing as a bad muff dive, too Though, most people, guys and girls alike, won't tell you if it's bad, or why it was bad. Communication is a good thing when it comes to oral pleasures, people.. or any pleasures, for that matter. If you don't tell someone what's wrong, how can they fix it?

    I can only speak from my personal experience with it, since it's all I have to work with, but guys will always tell ya that you are the best he's ever had, and how amazing you are at it, etc. They're so appreciative like that. Now, the thing that has always bugged me, is that most women who admit that they do go occasionally go South, say that their guys have always told them the same thing. We can't all be "the best you've ever had". Now, that makes me wonder if, in fact, I am truly good at it, or if that's just what guys say to anyone willing to do it with a decent technique, and if they would actually tell me if I wasn't doing it right. They wouldn't want to hurt my feelings, I assume, because then I may refuse to even give them the mediocre head I'm willing to give them. Why do ya do that guys? If I'm spectacular, tell me I'm spectacular, but if I'm just okay and could really improve my technique, tell me, or just say "Thank you, that was great", and don't tell me I'm the best, unless I am.

    Oral Sex Myth Number Two: All Men LOVE Getting Head.
    This, surprisingly, is not true. I have talked to personally, and heard about from other places, guys who claim to not like, or at least not think it's the be-all, end-all of sexual experiences, and would either rather you didn't do it, or can take it or leave it. Some guys just aren't comfortable with it, or the stimulation provided by oral sex isn't right for them for maximum pleasure. They say they prefer intercourse or, sometimes, prefer to go down on a woman, rather than to have her do them. There are some women who claim they don't like it done to them either, so I guess it could be true that some guys don't like it. I, personally, think they're insane, but that's just me. Although, I do have to say that there are times I would rather a guy doesn't bother goin' South. If I don't think he enjoys it, and he's maybe only doing it because he wants me to do him, or because he thinks he should, but he's hesitant or obviously not really wanting to be there, I'd prefer he just not try.

    So, in closing, and as a sort of PSA, not that I'm any kind of expert, or know at all what I'm talking about, but here are some tips to you may want to ponder.. no this is not a How-To.. this aint "Blow Jobs 101" kiddies, think of it more as Health class. But just some things to keep in mind when it comes to goin' South:

    Fellatio No-No's and Musts:
    1. Girls: Teeth, for the most part, have no place in a BJ. I suppose there are some out there who like a little pain with their sex, but for most guys I think sharp objects grazing their most sensitive areas is pretty much something to be avoided. Learn to sheath those suckers.
    2. Guys: Don't, unless you know she likes it, or at least it doesn't piss her off, put your hand on the back of your woman's head and try to guide her head to your crotch. Or, if you do this, for lack of any better way of suggesting you're ready for her to go there, if she is resistant or pulls away, take that as a "No", or at least a "I'll get there on my own, please take your hands the phuque off my head!"
    3. Girls: Decide before you start, or at least before the big finale actually occurs, whether or not you are planning to spit or swallow, or not let him come in your mouth at all, so you can stop prior to the point he is just about to go off and finish in a pleasurable, appropriate way, instead of just stopping when he's at the edge and really screwing up his orgasm. Cuz that's just rude. Be prepared to either spit or swallow when the time comes, cuz if you decide to spit, you'll need a towel or cup or some other means of disposal, so be prepared. Also, keep in mind, if you want to please him, but don't like the taste, the faster it is swallowed, the less time the taste remains. Vomiting, noisy hawkings, or dashing to the bathroom can be very rude and demeaning to someone who's just climaxed, so if you don't want to swallow it, remove it discretely.
    4. Girls: Don't just concentrate on the penis, it's not the only erogenous zone. Try touching and nibbling other areas, like his nipples, his neck, his back and shoulders, his feet, calves, backs of his knees, inner thighs, testicles, perineum and anus (but ya might wanna check first before going there..some don't want you to mess with the anus, cuz they think it means they're gay if they like it), and his butt, during or just prior to going for the gold.
    5. Guys: Another head issue..in your list of head issues..hehehe...don't put your hand on the back of her head once she's in the middle of the act and hold her head, so she can't stop or control the act. Maybe some women like it, or don't mind it, check with the individual woman I guess, but I know *I* hate that. For me, it sometimes puts me off going there again for a while after a guy does that.
    6. Girls: Don't always listen to number 4.. sometimes you should just kneel down and go straight for the prize, with little or no foreplay. Treat the penis like it's the only thing in the world you care about at that particular moment..
    7. Girls: "Dramatic maneuvers at the point of orgasm are more likely to distract than accentuate. Moving a lot falls into that category. Simply stand back, as it were, and let his orgasm happen. "It's not the time to get fancy or creative," This is a quote from an article in Redbook, thus the quotation marks : O)
    8. Girls: Don't neglect the testicles. A little gentle manipulation, gentle tugging.. lick, suck, whatever he's into and you're willing to do.
    9. Girls: Don't always make him return the favor. Let him have "his turn" once a while, where he doesn't have to worry about pleasing you, all he has to do is lie back and take it.
    10. Guys: Return the favor. Let the next time be all about her.
    11. Guys/Girls: Keep it clean, and consider mowing the lawn. Bathe or shower if you know you will be having sex soon. Some people really like it "au natural", a tad musky, and don't mind hair, but out of consideration, think about shaving the nether regions, or at least trimming it down to a tolerable level if there's lots of hair.

    Okay, I think I've covered enough ground for today, and will save the finer points of cunnilingus, rim jobs, salad tossing, and all that other good stuff for another day.

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