Sunday, December 07, 2003

Things You Learn On a Lazy Sunday Afternoon.

1. The best way to avoid arguing with your boyfriend is just to cease speaking to him when he begins to rant and rave about every freakin little thing in the universe, and how his life sucks, and noone gives a shit. He's oh so abused and mistreated. When he starts jumping down your throat and having something negative and bitchy to say about everything that comes out of your mouth, quietly repeat to yourself.."Lalala...I'm not listening to J..I'm in my happy place..bite my ass, grumpy" This pisses him off more, since you're not playing along with his crap, but can dramatically decrease your stress level.

2. How to make chicken soup shoot out of your mom's nose: When watching the movie "Best in Show", and she explains to you, since you came in at the middle of the movie, how one of the dog owners is a lesbian, and said lesbian proceeds to make out with her female dog handler, you say, "Ohhh.. so she's handling her puppy *and* her kitty?"

3. Don't go to the perfume area in Walmart and try on every kind of perfume available, it will make you smell very much, and make the poor lady behind you in line sneeze her ass off and have to go to another line. Sorry, lady.

4. When walking down the aisles of Walmart, if you choose to sing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", not so quietly, along with the store music playing, be prepared for laughing people, and strange looks from strangers, who, for some reason, will not sing along with you.

5. Before you go to Walmart and pick up a bunch of groceries and stuff, and proceed to the checkout, and wait in the long-ass Christmas shopper lines for 10 minutes before it's finally your turn, be sure you haven't left your debit card in the pocket of the pants you wore yesterday..along with your ID so you can't write a check either. Not only is this a gigantic, frustrating waste of your already busy day, it tends to piss off your already pissy boyfriend.. I don't recommend it.

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