Saturday, March 27, 2004

Some Financial Definitions

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the
moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her
golf clubs to invest in

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial
decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word
spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take
a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds
tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're
supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person
sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only
ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually
ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a
little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock
market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have
plunged and your broker is making a margin call.


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