Monday, May 03, 2004

What To Do?

Ok, so here I am again. I didn't post much this weekend, because I was just kinda busy and in need of a break. Good thing, as it turns out, that I didn't because any posts I would have come up with would have been about me and J and stuff, and I would have had to end up deleting them anyway. We go through these things where we go back and forth ad nauseum about our relationship and why are we together, and "you don't love me" and "no, you don't love me". It's ridiculous. So, anything I would have had to say this weekend would probably not have been anything I'd like for J to read. There's a whole lot more I would love to say about this subject, though you good people would probably be bored to tears by it all, I could fill pages with the bullshit we go through, and since there is a very real possibility that J may stumble upon this blog sometime in the near future, I now can't write anything really personal. I can't vent when he pisses me off, or say anything that he might not like should he find himself here. I've had to go back through my archives and read everything to be sure that there's nothing in there that may hurt him or piss him off if he comes here. He's pretty much ruined this blog for me, and I may have to end up doing what I had been thinking about doing for a while now and switch to my own domain and MT. I know, I've threatened to do it before, and I really should. I like the features you get with MT, and it would be nice to be one of the "cool kids" and have a dedicated domain for my blog. I could get some cool skins and stuff, too. I already have several domains I could choose from to use, but I wouldn't put it on, because he knows of that one. I'd have to change my name too, and not use JaxVenus, because he could possibly find my new blog by that name someday, too. This really sucks. Of course, as I said the other day, I could say phuque it, go ahead and post the way I like, whatever I like, and if he finds it and doesn't like what he reads, it's just too damn bad, because he wasn't invited here. I just know that I won't do that, because I don't want to hurt him. Why, may ask.. don't you just stay here and be sure, in the future, not to post about him or say anything personal or mean that he may not like? The answer to that is simple. This is something I do for me, to vent and say what I want, and I don't want to have to sensor myself. I thought I was truly busted yesterday, because he found my old blog that I stopped posting to in October, and he read every bit of what was there, and he was not a happy camper. I don't know how he found it, what search he used to get there, but he did manage to find it, so it may be only a matter of time until he finds his way here. I deleted the old one, now he may go looking again, or he may figure it's gone and give up, thinking that's all there is. I don't know, and there's no way I can be sure if he will or won't find this one. It was bad enough, with the shit storm I got just from what he read on the other one, I can imagine what he'd find on this site he wasn't happy about. Sheeesh. We're talking hooouuurs of discussion. Actually, there were a few kinda bad posts about him over there, where he'd really pissed me off or irritated me, and I was a bit snarky about it..just a little.. but there was also some stuff that he read and got offended over that I really couldn't believe he had a problem with. Again, I'd have to censor myself big time with him reading stuff I write, and I don't want to have to do that. ::;sigh:::

As I see it, I have several choices.
1. Stay here, post whatever the hell I like, and say the hell with it. If he don't like it, he shouldn't have gone snooping.
2. Stay here, modify my posting to nothing really personal, and give you the censored, watered down version. Of course, if I did this I'd have to start an online journal somewhere else anonymously for all the messy, personal, ranty, bitchy stuff. I'd still have to get that out somewhere
3. Switch to MT and my own domain under a completely different name where he couldn't find me and go back to posting whatever the phuque I like...and find a way to let all 3 of my regular readers know where I am.
4. Start another Blogspot blog under a completely different name and post whatever I like there. It would be free, but, really, if Im gonna bother to move and change my name, I might as well go ahead and get onto my own domain and get all the goodies I could get using MT.

Unfortunately, is already taken. That really sucks! It wouldn't be so bad if it were being used for something useful, but they have some stupid search page thing up there. What a waste. Oh well, I guess I'm off to clean my house and think about what I need to do.

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