Friday, June 04, 2004

In the mood I've been in lately, I've been feeling increasingly frustrated with just about everything. I have so many things that I want to do, places I want to go, along with an ever-growing list of "things" I want, in terms of material stuff. For example, my pool, a new computer (probably a laptop), a new (better) camera, and some improvements I want to do on the house, like paint, and eventually have a Florida Room added on. The problem is, I know I can get the material things and the house changes done, it's just a matter of time and patience. Which I have none of..but since I'm not rich, I have no choice but to take it one step at a time. Either that, or start charging things and get caught up in the credit trap again, which I don't want to do. It's very frustrating! But, the other things, the things that are really bugging me in terms of enjoying life, are things that aren't going to change unless some big changes are made in my life, in general. I can't go do things I want to do, when I am with someone who has no interest in the things I want to do, and will not "allow" me to do them without him. By that, I mean, if I go off and say "screw you, bud!" and just go do what I like, I have to come home to a whole world of shit..arguing, bickering, and bullshit..that I just don't want to have to deal with. It's just not worth it..right now. We had an argument last night, and I was really, really pissed off. I'm still not completely over it, because it was so stupid, and I'm so unbelievably sick of having this same argument over and over again. Really, we have been having this same argument on a regular basis for the past six years. We always have the same arguments, and they never get us anywhere. All they ever do, is piss me off and make me want to kick him in the head. He just doesn't get it. He's not going to change me, and it pisses me off to no end that I have to keep saying ..screaming, really.. the same things to him over and over and over. I tell him how sick I am of the same bullshit over and over, and he tells me that if I would change, the arguments would stop. Then, I tell him, I know an easier way to make them stop.. he could get the phuque outta my house. Yet, I still have no plans to change, and he's still here. We made up, but it's still irking me. Then tonight, we went out to dinner, and as we were driving home and talking, I was listening to him, and I realized that he rarely ever says anything positive. Everything is so negative with him. He complains all the time. It's very emotionally draining to live with someone who is constantly whining about how life is so hard, and rarely ever says anything that is positive, happy, or encouraging. This isn't a new revelation really. It's not like the lightbulb suddenly went off in my head in a true "EUREKA!!" moment. I've "known" this about J forever, but it's never really hit me until recently just how negatively his negativity affects me. I've learned over time to shut him off when he starts getting to me. I shut him off, but not before the damage is already done. Not before he's managed to ruin my mood or piss me off. I can just tune him out, like he's not even there. It's an effective way to deal with it, but really not the makings of any kind of healthy relationship. Not that I have ever had delusions that our relationship was anywhere near healthy. Why.. I can hear you asking.. are you still with him then??! Unfortunately, the answer to that is complex and boring, and increasingly hard to justify even in my own head.

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