Sunday, August 08, 2004
It's hard to believe that it's been close to a month since I last posted. Guess I've been a bit busy. I've started a million posts, but just never seemed to be able to finish one. I've been busy working on my house some, getting ready for the appraisers to come and trying to get my financing setup. I finally managed to get my credit scores up to the point where I can get financed on the house YEAH for me!! That's no small accomplishment. let me tell ya. I've also been in the pool and stuff, and working ALOT. After the whole computer frying problems I had, I had some catching up to do, and I had to bust my ass the whole of last pay period to try to get back ahead. Actually, I think mostly the reason why I haven't posted, and haven't been able to pull coherent thoughts together, is because of J and the general bullshit that is our "relationship". Most of the posts I've started have been filled with thoughts of him and us, and the things I want to post, I just can't say out loud. I'm still thinking he may some day find this page, and the things I'd have said over the past month, are things noone would want to read about themselves and their life on a public website. Basically, we don't really have a relationship anymore. It's been done for a while for all intents and purposes. It's going nowhere, we both know it. He won't change, I won't change. I don't want to change. Why would I want to do that? I don't have a problem with me. I still haven't posted about "the big news" yet, either, and I may get to that soon. It's not big news anymore, it turned out to be nothing in the end, but .. well, I'll get to all that another time. As for J, I do love him, or care about him anyway, just not "that way" anymore. And he doesn't love me either. .though he swears he does. I'm looking forward to my vacation in September. Six whole days in Massachusetts ALONE..with just me and my friends to worry about. There will be no whining. There will be no bitching. There will be no "I need, I want, give me, help me, waaaah". The general concensus of all my friends and family is "What the hell are you doing??" Why is he still here? Why do we bother staying together? Why do I need to be responsible for him? He's a grown man, and I'm not his mommy. I'll never find a real relationship while he's here. I know all of this, and I know it's true, but I know he doesn't have anyone else, not really. His family, what little he has, is pretty much worthless in terms of being willing to do anything for him or helping him. Again, not my problem..I know this. But I can't help it. I know he'd find a way, he'd survive without me and be fine, but I just can't ask him to go. Plus, there are a few things I would miss if he left. They really don't outweigh the things I'd be glad to be done with, but still I'd miss them. Confused much? Wishy washy doormat? Yeah.. that would be me! Oh well.. there will come a day when I least expect it, when I blow up and lose it, and that will be all. It will be done. In the meantime, I'm going to buy my house, work, take care of me and try to be happy, and wait until Sept. 16th, when I get on the plane and fly away for some peace and quiet.